Sorry...

I know today is "dark day" on blogs - a silent protest to cyber - bullying but I have to work through this...

My sweet, sweet husband... the man who knows my heart, my intent, my mind, and my moods took me away for a little day trip today. We drove to Tombstone and enjoyed the drive and walking around. He held my hand as I held a tissue and just let the tears flow and flow. You see, I have been feeling like I let some families down. I felt I didn't give them what I know in my heart they wanted. But I had to abide by the law. When I called Sweet Pea yesterday, she was wonderful. Being a political science major and a major brainiac, I knew she would offer me logic. She explained that the law and morality do not always meet. She also quoted that "Law is reason, devoid of passion." Well, it should be ~ but we are human. Right?

So as the day wore on and I came home to dwell some more on my failings, he read the something to me. The trial I just sat on as a juror was in the paper. The headline said "Jurors find...GUILTY... of..."

It was as if it were manna from heaven. It's not that I (and 11 other people in the room with me) let anyone walk away free. She was found GUILTY. We just happened to not be able to find her guilty of the higher charge. But she will be held responsible for her actions. My heart was broken over the fact that we had not done what I know family and friends wanted - "thrown the book at her" so to speak. (I know this because we had to leave the courtroom, passing the family, and things were said to us.) Although had we thrown the book at this young woman, my heart would have ached for her and her children. We were seriously damned if we did, damned if we didn't. But we read the law and followed it to the best of our abilities. But the guilt I felt. There were even comments in the newspaper from people such as "Shame on the jury!" I completely let them envelope me and I wore the shame even though they were NOT in the courtroom and did NOT see the rules we were given.

And when Sparky said "You did find her guilty..." it was just what I needed to hear. (It may sound strange but it was what I needed - I didn't want the families to think their loved ones died and we didn't care.)

I am not a drama queen. I am not one of those people who acts like they are personally affected by tragedies that have nothing to do with them. However, I was PUT into this position. I saw the pictures. I saw the beautiful lives that were lost. I listened to the father of one of the girls as he wept on the stand. I envisioned the day Sparky walked Sweet Pea down the aisle to the loving arms of her young husband to be. I couldn't stop thinking about how this father has had this joy stolen from him, no chance of it ever happening. Ever. She's gone. Both girls are gone. Too young.

But the law is the law. And our system, with it's flaws, is our system. We, are jurors, did what we could. No matter the outcome of our verdict, it will never change the ending of this story for those young ladies.

I believe events happen in our lives and we are to learn lessons from them. It's what makes us wise.

I am driving a little slower now. I am not as angry at the wheel. I hope this lasts. That would be a wonderful tribute to the young girls.

Tomorrow Sparky and I will go to San Xavier Mission and light three candles. I was only going to light two to represent each life lost. But I've decided that the young lady who was found guilty needs a candle as well.

~Be kind, for everyone you meet is facing a harder battle. ~ Plato