Sorry...

I know today is "dark day" on blogs - a silent protest to cyber - bullying but I have to work through this...

My sweet, sweet husband... the man who knows my heart, my intent, my mind, and my moods took me away for a little day trip today. We drove to Tombstone and enjoyed the drive and walking around. He held my hand as I held a tissue and just let the tears flow and flow. You see, I have been feeling like I let some families down. I felt I didn't give them what I know in my heart they wanted. But I had to abide by the law. When I called Sweet Pea yesterday, she was wonderful. Being a political science major and a major brainiac, I knew she would offer me logic. She explained that the law and morality do not always meet. She also quoted that "Law is reason, devoid of passion." Well, it should be ~ but we are human. Right?

So as the day wore on and I came home to dwell some more on my failings, he read the something to me. The trial I just sat on as a juror was in the paper. The headline said "Jurors find...GUILTY... of..."

It was as if it were manna from heaven. It's not that I (and 11 other people in the room with me) let anyone walk away free. She was found GUILTY. We just happened to not be able to find her guilty of the higher charge. But she will be held responsible for her actions. My heart was broken over the fact that we had not done what I know family and friends wanted - "thrown the book at her" so to speak. (I know this because we had to leave the courtroom, passing the family, and things were said to us.) Although had we thrown the book at this young woman, my heart would have ached for her and her children. We were seriously damned if we did, damned if we didn't. But we read the law and followed it to the best of our abilities. But the guilt I felt. There were even comments in the newspaper from people such as "Shame on the jury!" I completely let them envelope me and I wore the shame even though they were NOT in the courtroom and did NOT see the rules we were given.

And when Sparky said "You did find her guilty..." it was just what I needed to hear. (It may sound strange but it was what I needed - I didn't want the families to think their loved ones died and we didn't care.)

I am not a drama queen. I am not one of those people who acts like they are personally affected by tragedies that have nothing to do with them. However, I was PUT into this position. I saw the pictures. I saw the beautiful lives that were lost. I listened to the father of one of the girls as he wept on the stand. I envisioned the day Sparky walked Sweet Pea down the aisle to the loving arms of her young husband to be. I couldn't stop thinking about how this father has had this joy stolen from him, no chance of it ever happening. Ever. She's gone. Both girls are gone. Too young.

But the law is the law. And our system, with it's flaws, is our system. We, are jurors, did what we could. No matter the outcome of our verdict, it will never change the ending of this story for those young ladies.

I believe events happen in our lives and we are to learn lessons from them. It's what makes us wise.

I am driving a little slower now. I am not as angry at the wheel. I hope this lasts. That would be a wonderful tribute to the young girls.

Tomorrow Sparky and I will go to San Xavier Mission and light three candles. I was only going to light two to represent each life lost. But I've decided that the young lady who was found guilty needs a candle as well.

~Be kind, for everyone you meet is facing a harder battle. ~ Plato

A song I haven't heard in a long time...

Traveling home from Phoenix very late last night, a song out of nowhere came on the ipod. It was very, very helpful. I think that no matter where I stand on religion (and you won't know how I feel because it's highly personal to me) I still come back to the old stand-bys. These old hymns provided great comfort to my spirit as a child and teenager and they can still provide a soothing effect as I grow older.

He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials He multiplies peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

Can't talk about why I have been missing in action just yet...

... just say that, true to my nature, I am obsessing over it. I need a self-help book on making decisions and feeling good/right about them after the fact. I HATE that I second guess myself all the time. Anyway... maybe attempting some light-hearted writing will help. Forgive me while I indulge. This writing isn't for you, it's to snap me back to my world. My wonderful, middle class, white collar world. I WORKED HARD for this world and make no apologies for wanting to be in the comfort of my home, family and friends. I've seen enough of the "other side of the tracks" thank you very much.

So to add to the above confusion, it doesn't help that my world is completely turned upside down by the one thing I can always count on. Reading about celebrities. Good and Bad. Black and White.
Donny and Marie = good. Bonnie and Clyde = Bad.

Kevin Federline IS the bad daddy, right? And Heather Mills, plucky ex of my man Paul and current superstar of Dancing With the Stars - she IS the b*tch, right?

Back to Work or How I Really Never Left Work...

Well, it's once again that time of year - time to go back and grind out those last 9 weeks of classes before a 6 week summer break. Tomorrow is completely planned. I have to administer (and score!) a "Correct Writing Sequence" test to ALL of my students. (1st - 4th grade this year) The fun of the CWS is not that I have to read and score 400 + papers. The real fun is that I have to explain to the kids that EVERYTHING I HAVE TAUGHT THEM THUS FAR is to be flung out of the windows of their minds. All this CWS is interested in is HOW MANY WORDS can they write in one minute. Yeah, brilliant test, eh? It's this whole package of cure-all goodies that my district adopted from this chick I lovingly refer to as "The Little Dr." She stormed in straight from some state like Alabama, Mississippi, or Louisiana and we paid her bags o' money to tell us how to teach (although she never ONCE had to write a lesson plan or manage 30 - 7 year old for even so much as a full day) and one of her bad leftovers is the supposedly fantastic way of assessing whether or not a student is where they should be in their writing skills. Never mind that our state has adopted the Six Traits Analytical Assessment and that I am a writing specialist who teaches the students about Six Traits, and our state tests (A.I.M.S.) are assessed using the Six Traits Model. Nope, never mind that. The CWS is also unique in that the writing can make absolutely no sense whatsoever but as long as it is spelled correctly, it counts. We count words. So a kid can write : I like ice cream very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, (you get the picture) much and get a really high score on the word count because he spelled the word right! and he had commas! and he is a brilliant writer! But a kid who pours their heart into this lousy one minute of writing but doesn't have his conventions quite yet (i.e. first and second graders) will not score high at all even though he might be a really great writer according to Six Traits assessment.

Wow - I did NOT intend to go off like that! Breathe in... breathe out.... ok.

So my little ones will come back from a 2 week spring fever break and have to take the CWS. I plan to have them make some lovely bookmarks using the language of six traits when they are done with the silly test. I will read them a book and remind them that good writing takes time, and effort, and you visit it and revisit it but you don't try to write for one minute and say you are done.

On to other things.... I finished two Prescott classes today. That's a little more money in the bank for Little L. And by the way, I DID work the first week of break so that is a little more money in the bank for Little L. I have two more Prescott students to teach in the coming months so that is a little more money in the bank. Sweet Pea said something really cute when we visited her - She told Little L "Mom is sending you to college a $1000 at a time!" Yeppers, that is indeed what I am doing! And it will work. I know that it will!

I should label this post the most disjointed post of all time. That's what happens when you feel pressure to update but are not quite feeling the love in the creative part of your brain!

Too busy to blog...

I've been traveling to third world countries looking for a baby to adopt. But there aren't any left! Damn that Angelina! Beautiful, raven locks - full, pouty lips - kick ass bod - AND half of the world's orphans. Maybe I could adopt an exotic animal? Maybe a leopard!








Ah crap...

Guess I'll just get a hamster instead.

St. Patrick's Day

I went to the Air Show at the base yesterday. I was taking pictures of the aircraft when I started thinking I needed something else - a theme. So I started taking pictures of people wearing green so they wouldn't get pinched. I am currently trying to upload them to Flicker or Fliker or Flik'r or whatever hip way you spell it. The problem is I can't remember my sign in. So I am working that out right now.

In the meantime, I will share a rather interesting piece of writing that I scored today. (YES I AM WORKING ON A SUNDAY!!! WHY DOES COLLEGE COST SO MUCH MONEY?!?!) :-)

This little guy (and his 3rd grade classmates) were asked to think of an invention and how it is useful for everyday situations. I am thinking of looking for a bullet proof vest to add to my spring wardrobe. While I appreciated his use of adjectives in the last sentence, I am not sure I would describe a gun as "delightful" !!! Gotta love my gun loving town.

Found this on a blog, you have to try it!

Read my VisualDNA™     Get your own VisualDNA™

That wasn't it.

Home from teaching intersession.

Intersession is the brainchild of my district in response to NCLB where they say (blah, blah, blah) students will be required to attend extra hours of tutoring in content area they do not master on the benchmark tests. (Add more blah, blah, blah)

I was handed 5 students, 27 math objectives and 6 reading objectives and told to teach for 3 hours on each subject. In four days. With a deaf student who is darling but doesn't realize how much he talks while the others are desperately trying to compute 6 x 8 on their fingers. And an interpreter. An interpreter who forgot her lunch and had to go back in town and buy one. I teach in the middle of nowhere so it took her over an hour to go there and get back. When she got back, she still hadn't eaten. So now she had to eat. Sigh...

So we went to the computer lab for some funbrain.com. She never did show up again but she left a full paragraph thank you on the whiteboard in my room with a lovely row of flowers in multiple colors. I kinda wish she had spent that half hour coming to the lab to help me talk to my little guy but I guess my expections are just too high.

So where was I? Oh yes, 27 math objectives. Hahahahahahahahaha. In 4 days... hahahahahahahahaha. I ... do I need to even? I mean, do you realize? Yeah. And I wasn't kidding about them computing basic multiplication facts on their fingers. I gave them the big teacher lecture about how they MUST memorize their multiplication tables or they will never be able to get a job, not even at McDonald's and they will be doomed - maybe even end up being a teacher to a bunch of students during spring break when the other teachers are off enjoying manicures and pedicures while I am sitting in a classroom.... hey, wait a minute.....

Well, I DID give them the "memorize your x tables" lecture but we all know I am not the first to tell them that and I may as well have given the lecture to the can of diet pepsi that lovingly accompanied me today.

I tried to teach the little rhyming trick:

I had two eights
I dropped them on the floor
When I picked them up
I had...

A kid shouted:

62!

So not only does he need to learn math but rhyming words too.

All of this - just to say - I am looking for a treat. Yesterday, I treated myself to a nonfat caramel machiatto from the Church of Starbucks. I like to treat myself for working hard. So far today , I have tried 6 goldfish crackers. That wasn't it. A half teaspoon of Nutella with a handful of pretzels. That wasn't it. A water cracker. That wasn't it. A diet rootbeer. That wasn't it. A green apple. BAHAHAHAHAA! Yeah, that wasn't it.

Anyone have any ideas?

a little excited...

I am not sure if I am going to do this or not but here is the story:

On my emergency trip to Phx. yesterday (Mr. Sweet Pea had gallbladder surgery, complications, Sweet Pea needed me, it's all good now) I saw a little truck for SAFEWAY and they were, like, delivering food. My eyebrow shot up.

Just now, I looked up Safeway.com and it says they deliver in Az. That made my other eyebrow shoot up.

See - this would solve many problems. #1 - I won't spend 2 hours of precious weekend time buying groceries, fighting lines, impulse buying, and being too tired from loading and unloading, and putting away groceries and I might actually have energy left to COOK the food I buy! #2 - I won't run into the 3.5 people/staff/students who stare at me like with that little look - the one that asks why the hell are you as a teacher buying Lay's potato chips? that I always run into while shopping.

I will update. Right now my heart is beating too fast.

Smoooooooth Operator

Me: Looking in car mirror, noticing once again the little beauty mark that has suddenly developed on my ear lobe.

Me: What would cause me to all of a sudden get a new beauty mark on my ear?

Sparky: You are getting more beautiful.



He's a keeper.